Rough Night

For some reason - this situation is taking its toll on me. I have been through this before, we have lost babies, more then once and I know the drill. But something about this baby, something about that beating heart, something was different. I guess I felt that this little one was so unexpected and then then so prayed for and loved that there would be no way we would lose he or she.

I cleaned out my closet tonight because the Kidney Foundation is coming tomorrow and I had to put away all my maternity clothes. They had been in there for a while, I had been meaning to put them away for about 6 months and then along came our little suprise... and the clothes went from being an annoyance in the closet to happy thoughts of cute outfits I could wear to work and out during each season. Since I had gotten pregnant with Kaiya, those clothes have been in my closet and they are not in htere for the first time in years. I know they are just clothes - but I was sobbing as I put them away. Adorable shirts I was oooo looking forward to wearing, gifts from Em, and her special clothes that all meant so much to me, and the one maternity shirt I got for myslef this time that came the day we found out the baby had died - it says "Where there is love, there is life".... that was the kicker. I know we might get pregnant again or have another baby - but that is not waht is in my head tonight. Only thoughts of the baby that may still be in there now but is no longer living.... so I am just sad. It does not help that all of the stress and meds that I have been on have gotten me a whopper of a migrain brewing... I am going to try and get to sleep before it gets much worse. Sorry for the super downer post...