Feeling better slowly...

Well, I am starting to see the light through the trees. I am feeling more and more happiness and joy and I am starting to understand that I do have amazing blessings in my life. I have always known that, but sometimes it takes tough times to remind you how important some people are.

My sister... first of all, she was the biggest support system for me when we gor pregnant, before Preston was even on board, Em was doing jumping jacks and showing me, by example, that being a Mom of three young children is not only possible, but doable and even fun! She has always been my best friend, but when things are tough, she shines brighter then all else. Her children still have issues sleeping at night and Em rarely gets sleep let alone a shower, good dinner or time to herself. But when I was at my worst, Em put all of that behind her and wanted nothing but to get me through this tough time.

My Mom, Mom is one of those poeple that is giving and self less she makes you so appreciative that Thank yous dont always do justice. From the moment we got the news that the baby had died, she was on point, ready to do anything for me, Preston or the girls. She never puts herself first or asks for anything from you, she just helps and tries to let you heal. She is amazing.

My husband - Preston was vert scared when we got pregnant again. We were on birth control so this little baby was the definition of a shock... but he had slowly come around to the idea and had even starting making plans for the nursery and ways to bring in more money. He was standing by myside when out doctor told us our baby's heart had stopped beating and he gripped my hand so tightly I knew his pain. After that, he was in case mode, whatever that had to mean, whether it was a sobbing wife, and angry Mom or someone who was almost bipolar.

My girls - my chickies. There are so many things I can say about these two amazing blessings. The make my heart smile, make me laugh, make me humble and make me so tahknful. They seem to know when things are hard and seem to turn on the sweetness, cuteness and funniness. They have been my litte teeny (sometimes sassy) rocks through all of this and have made my heart heal when it felt broken and remind me that God's denials are not punishments, they simply teach you patience, stregnth and awareness of other people's strife. They love you if you have mascara streaming down your face, if you have not showered, if you cannot put two words together - they could care less.... they just just love you.

My Hannah - Hannah has been such a sweet girl through all of this, she asks so many questions that force you to think about things on a simpler lever. Hannah is very smart and very sensitive. When I came to her house to get the girls after getting the news about the baby I was crying. She came running up to me asking me why I was crying and where was baby Doury (that was what she called the baby). Explaining it to Hannah made me think about it so differently. Hannah now likes to look up to the ceiling and stare. We ask her what she is looking at and she says she sees baby Doury, because she is a tiny angel. There is not much more I can say.

Friends and Family - thank you for your support, kind words, prayers and sentiment. A lot people do not know what to say, so they dont say anything at all, the situation is delicate, but I know people feel for us and that I appreciate. I love you all.

God is good, and helpful and He has sent angels all around me.

11 month comparison....

BLINK - Cassie June 2007, 2008

BLINK - Kaiya June 2006, 2007 and 2008

Rough Night

For some reason - this situation is taking its toll on me. I have been through this before, we have lost babies, more then once and I know the drill. But something about this baby, something about that beating heart, something was different. I guess I felt that this little one was so unexpected and then then so prayed for and loved that there would be no way we would lose he or she.

I cleaned out my closet tonight because the Kidney Foundation is coming tomorrow and I had to put away all my maternity clothes. They had been in there for a while, I had been meaning to put them away for about 6 months and then along came our little suprise... and the clothes went from being an annoyance in the closet to happy thoughts of cute outfits I could wear to work and out during each season. Since I had gotten pregnant with Kaiya, those clothes have been in my closet and they are not in htere for the first time in years. I know they are just clothes - but I was sobbing as I put them away. Adorable shirts I was oooo looking forward to wearing, gifts from Em, and her special clothes that all meant so much to me, and the one maternity shirt I got for myslef this time that came the day we found out the baby had died - it says "Where there is love, there is life".... that was the kicker. I know we might get pregnant again or have another baby - but that is not waht is in my head tonight. Only thoughts of the baby that may still be in there now but is no longer living.... so I am just sad. It does not help that all of the stress and meds that I have been on have gotten me a whopper of a migrain brewing... I am going to try and get to sleep before it gets much worse. Sorry for the super downer post...

Walking practice = walking!

So today, we were over at Mom and Dad's for Father's Day. Dad and Em were doing walking practice with Cass... basically just walking her back and forth with their fingers and catching her as she death falls. Well.... Preston and I were sitting together this afternoon and I was feeling pretty blue...Cass must have noticed and wanted to cheer me up... because she literally let go of Prestons hand... and just walked away. She took 5 steps as Preston jumped up to catch her when she fell... I could not believe she just walked off! It was amazing and totally lifted my spirits!!

The girls are playing together!

It is so cute - they just sit there craxking up at each other. Of course it usually ends with Kaiya knocking her sister backwards or raking her down in some WWE style move.... but all and all they play so nice together. It is so wonderful to watch.

Celebrating Em and I's birthday like rock stars

My amazing and very generous sister Ems, set up a wonderful night for us at the Hilton at Easton for out 32nd birthday last week. We were staying in the room for the night and going shopping at Easton and just being Divas. This is what I arrived too on my bed (AKA The HEavenly Bed)....

I got a visit from my best girls... and had pizza in bed!

And after a fun night of shopping and hanging with my best friend, Em... we got into out confy PJs that Em bought us and sacked out for the night. What a blast.


Thanks again Adam and Em for your extremely generous gift.

Catching up and update on me

I will be adding some pictures, I finally downloaded pictures from the past few weeks and I will be adding them here and there.

As far as me, I am doing ok. The weekend was good, Preston, Mom, Dad and Em were so good to me, especially since I have had a ton of pain all weekend as far as cramping and all. They have just surrounded me with love and kindness. As well as my friends with prayers and thoughts. I thank you all very much. I am now gonna post some happy pictures because I am down. I have to post the latest news as well... Cass took her first steps!!!!!

We have another teeny angel in heaven

Well, I had been so worries about this pregnancy from the start, but everything was looking great, until today. I had some bleeding last night and so I went to see the doctor today. We got an ultrasound - I am between 8 1/2 and 9 weeks - and there was our sweet baby, with arms and legs growing and floating around happily. After several minutes of trying to locate the heartbeat, our doctor turned to us and said he was afraid he had bad news, our little one's heart had stopped beating. So our baby is still in my stomach, but no longer living. It is a lot to process and Preston and I feel very overwhelemd. We have to make some decisions come Monday as wll about what course of action we are going to take since the baby is not seeming to come out on its own. We did get a nice ultrasound picture of the baby that I intend to keep. We are kinda shocked because we just heard and saw the babies heartbeat 4 days ago.... so we most the baby sometime between MOnday and Today. Well - I am going to go laydown and get some rest if I can turn my brain off - my mind is swirling right now and I need to just tune out for a bit before I process. Thanks for listening and thank you immensely for all of the prayers and well wishes during this tops turvy pregnancy.

Let's go fly a kite....

What a nice day. Since Em and I's bday is tomorrow and I have to work, we decided to celebrate today. We went over to Mom and Dad's where Mom and Dad had cards with presents, GiGi had the same and also little cakes and candles! We had lunch and then Adam annouced he had brought a kite to play with! The kids were thrilled... there were no golfers coming so we got out on the 4th tee box and the kite flow way up high.... the kids were chasing it all around and having a ball. Hanni even found a lady bug that she named Ralph (thanks for the suggestion Grandpa!) and caried him around on a golf tee.... please be advised that Ralph is currently missing in the Medallion area/Delaware county.... if found, please return!! Emy and I even got the rarest if them all.... a pic with us AND our FIVE (and 1/2)KIDDOS!!!






Then Em gave me another suprise - tomorrow after work, her and I are heading to the Hilton at Easton to be pampered with room service and in-room massages!!! Not to mention - we are hoping to sneak over to the theater and see Sex an the City! Cannot wait! What a great way to spend my birthday - with my SISSY!!!!!

Playground Princesses

In the last three weeks, I swear we have hit 10 different playgrounds in the Westerville area!! The girls LOVE it. They may look dainty - but these chicks like to get their knees scraped and their hands dirty!! We slowed down this weekend because Kaiya was sick, but here are some pictures from our adventures!!