Such a tough day...
I am not usuallu one to share a lot of personal things on my blog or being totally open about some of my issues other then those who I am close to, but today I am feeling kind of sad and alone and I just wanted to vent, and I guess maybe whine a little. The started actually last night when Preston went to the football draft he had been planning on for weeks, everthing was going good until it was time for bed, Kaiya did great and went to bed fine after a visit to Gi Gis with Cass and I, but Cass was another story. I feel like I always say this, but I swear there is something going on with her, she has not been herself a all for days and days - her belly is a mess and she seems to be endlessly uncomfortable. So, I was stressed after trying to get her to sleep after 4 tries.... she finally feel asleep after she cried for a bit, but I still felt guilty for some reason. Then today was going pretty good, I was running errands with the girls and getting some stuff done. Em and I wee having GiGi over for lunch at my house, but change venues at the last moment so we could watch the Buckeyes in HD at their house. I swear the minute we got there all 5 of the kids just seemed to meltdown all at once, Autti was pretty good except for being hungry. GiGi started lecturing Adam on random things and then decided to start randomly discipling the kids while Em and I were literally running around following her orders. We left and Kaiya did not want to leave and Cass was a mess, sobbing inher carseat. I thought I would be brave and stop at Once Upon a Child to try and get Kaiya a Clifford DVD for the car and the maddness just went worse from there. By the time we got home, both the girls were screaming and Kaiya was flipping out if Cassie even came close to touching, or even looking at any of her stuff... which is pretty much anything in the house. Preston and I started fighting because we were both stressed out and not sure what to do since they were both so hysterical and this was for at least a good hour. I was supposed to take a nap when Preston got home from reffing football since he got a nap yesterday and went out last night, but I wound up begging him to put them in the car because I knew that was the only thing that would put them to sleep. He finally left with them and I just sat on the stairs crying feeling like literally the worst Mom and wife that ever lived. When he came home about 30 minutes later, Kaiya was out cold but Cass was sobbing, so I got up from my small nap (about 5 minutes after I stopped crying and venting to Em) she just settled down after sobbing since about 4. I am concerned that there is something going on but I have not idea other then teeth what it could be....
To back up a few weeks, I have been on Zoloft since I was dignosed with severe post pardom depression with Kaiya. I had been on Prozac for years while battling infertility and losses and it helped immensley, but had to stop taking it cold turkey when I got pregnant with Kaiya, a sacrifice a made immediately. I continued taking Zoloft while pregnant with Cassie due to my doctor's concern about my mental state because of my severe hyperemesis (puking 24/7 for 5 months) so I did and he upped it right before birth to make sure we could fight off any PD with Cass. When I got pregnant again this May, he kep me on it again concerned about the withdrawal symptoms and then upped it again when they baby died and we had a miscarriage. I am saying all of that to say that after all was said and done, I was on 200 mgs of Zolft, which is a fairly good amount. I decided to see a pofessional to talk and also see about adjusting my medicines to something more effective for anxiety and depression. Well, that brings me to today. If anyone has ever tried to ween off of an mental health drugs, you can understand how difficult it is. I am now compltey off Zoloft for 5 days and have been on Efexor for a week. I can honestly say I ave had one of the hardest weeks in my life. The side effects from "withdrawal" run the gamet, from headaches, backaches, nausea, depression, severe anxiety attacks, jitteryness, sleepiness, not sleeping... all of that not to mentionany of the side effects from starting a new med. So add in life circumstances and general issues with home, work, money, kids and family.... it is a recipe for disaster. I have been praying so hard every night for God to grant me some peace and calm my body and brain and get me to a stable place, but is has yet to happen. I know it takes about 4 to 6 weeks to feel a full effect of a anti depressant or anxiety... but that feels like years right now.
I really dont talk about this stuff very after to many people, but I know there are a lot of people out there that have been through this and are very confortable talking about it, I am just not one of them. My sister has always been so open and honest about her anxiety issues and she has been so helpful through all of this, but I still feel alone right now. I cannot quite get through the clouds at the moment. I know I am surround by tons of blessing, yet I am still eeling sory for myself and that makes me feel even worse. But I am still here and trying all I can to get through this.
Any positive thoughts or prayers would be greatly appreciated, I know things will get better, but sometimes, perspective is hard to find when your mind is not balanced like it should be. Well.... that in a nut shell is what has been going on with me, why I have not bee around too much and kinda keeping to myself.
Sorry for the massive pity party, I know it is almost rude to sit here and complain about my life when I have so much around me that makes me happy....
posted by MissRebecca @ Saturday, August 30, 2008
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